1amirasyraf's Blog

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Amir…oh my Amir…

on 07/19/2010

5 July 2010, hubby brought Amir for a general psychological assessment to know his development. It is performed by Effective Living Sdn Bhd team and they have used C.A.R.S (The Childhood Autism Rating Scale) and Vineland Adaptive Behaviour scales.

A little explanation on the tests administered by the team:

Vineland Adaptive Behaviour Scales

The Vineland Adaptive Behaviour Scales assesses personal and social sufficiency of individuals from birth to adulthood. The scales are applicable to handicapped and non-handicapped individuals.  It measures adaptive behaviour in four (4) major domains, namely: Communication, Daily Living Skills, Socialisation, and Motor Skills (only for children below 6 years of age)

Childhood Autism Rating Scale (CARS)

The CARS is a 15-item behavioural rating scale developed to identify children with Autism, and to distinguished them from developmentally handicapped children without Autism Disorder.

We received the result of the test on 17 July 2010…I was at work…so hubby went & picked up the report…when I saw the white envelope in our room, my heart pounds so rapidly that I was feeling numb…as I pulled out the report (the report was printed on a yellow creamy coloured paper)…read through 11 pages of the report…I could not speak…nor could I shed a tear…I had to be strong (said it to myself, very loud!!!) Anyway, decision had been made by my hubby…that I was to focus on Amir (ie: leave my career).

The result was (with heavy heart to share with all of you) as follows:

“Administration on the CARS revealed that Amir falls in the Severely Autistic range as evidenced by undeveloped language and communication skills, marked  impairment in social interaction skills, and the presence of stereotyped patterns of behaviour and activities (i.e: rigidity in changes of activities, and restricted range of interests). In the Vineland, the findings showed that his adaptive behaviour scales are undeveloped, and he obtained an Adaptive Behaviour Composite of 34, placing him in the Low range with Severe Deficits.

Tears rolled down nonstop…I do not how I can help him, my Amir…I feel very hopeless now…I feel I may not be a good mother (am I??, kept asking this question over and over)…I know by crying I could not reverse time or change anything that has set in front of me.

I wish that I could have more support especially from my hubby. Family members and friends, hope you guys be able to lend your ears (once a while) or if I don’t call, do call me…(felt so lonely!!!)

To all my colleagues, this is a wave goodbye…I may never come back…I surely will miss all of you…thank you for all the sweet memories and experiences that I could ever have in my life…PSN rocks!!!

I wish that I could explain how I really feel…but I can’t as tears rolls my eyes and the computer screen became blurred…

p/s: anyway yesterday (18 July 2010), the whole family went to my cuz house for a tahlil & family gathering…hubby and I took turns taking care of Amir…when we arrived, Amir saw the playground & went to play…but as rain started…hubby took him into the car & he played his music (thru USB)…after I’ve made sure Asyraf’s had his lunch…I went to the car (in the drizzle rain) to give way for hubby to able to eat & meet all the guests…

On our back home, Amir requested his Papa to on a song (Aizat: Kau & Aku)…as I was hugging him…he sang the song and touched my hand (I know it’s a signal he wants me to sing along)…both of us sang the song all the way home…I felt like my tears rolling down but I hold back the tears as my Ayah is in the car…I would not want him to know how despair I felt; I would not to bother Ayah’s feeling with Amir’s result…but kept on singing happily with Amir (Amir smiled…it was the most wonderful smile I’ve seen in weeks…) Before this, I have repeatedly told Amir that the song sang by Aizat: Kau dan Aku is OUR SONG (song that Amir sings with mama) and he usually will give a smile and says yes!!!

Tears rolling down again, could not breathe…how can I walk out from my cubicle and meet with my colleagues…will I be able to smile with my eyes again?? Feeling hopeless just kept coming no matter how much zikir have I recited…

InsyaAllah…I know I will find a way…

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